Tuesday, May 22, 2007
A day in the Lion's Den
Last night was bountifull. God threw some of those skinny pig things down here. He is a weird god, you know, he gives us food but it seems only on his schedule. Anyway, we got three last night, usually we get only one, but we got three. Plenty of food to go around for 4 lions. Needless to say when i woke up this morning I was still full. I got up without opening my eyes and walked to the bathroom, and went back to lay down. AAHH!!! I swear to god I shit on the floor right then. God had thrown a skinny pig down while we were sleeping and some how we didn't wake from our food coma. Anyway I haden't seen him cause my eyes were closed and on my way back to bed he thought I was gonna eat him so he screamed like they always do. I was like, "Man i wasn't gonna eat you but if you don't shut up i will." Of course he kept it up. Carl, the biggest of us, who had been sleeping between Steve and Kyle grabbed their tails and shoved them in each of his ears. He then yelled something but it had not idea what he was saying cause the Pig was still yelling, so I tore out his throat. "What were you saying?" I asked with a mouth full of skinny pig. "I said, 'Don't talk to him it just sounds like you are roaring at him, pig don't speak lion." "Oh, oh well. Who wants breakfast?'
Day in the Life of Cheif
The minions ran up to me today. "We have exhausted to Whammy, what is gonna happen to us?" Well, me being chief I decided that something must be done to solve the problem. My first response was, "So make more." Well aparently that had already been suggested, and apparently that suggestion sucks because it takes two weeks to ferment coconut milk into Whammy. So i decided to have a think. I grabbed my personal "Chief Keef" and a Chief sized gallon jug of Whammy. I walked to the thinking spot (my room) and began to get good and drunk. I still couldn't come up with anything so I smoked my Keef. Finally, i remembered, we had a reserve supply of Whammy that should last two weeks while we made more. I stumbled out of my house to tell the minions the good news. That night turned out to be a good one.
Daily Weekend Itinerary
1.) Wake Up at 9:00 a.m.
2.) Bathe in the Ocean at 9:15 a.m.
3.) Catch fish during bath for breakfast.
4.) Put on Loincloth.
5.) Around 10:00 a.m. most of the Alualuans should be at the beach on on their way to the beach.
6.) At 10:15 a.m. sharp, "Whamming It" should comence.
7.) 12:00 p.m. around this time once everyone is Jagerfaceded the Singing will undoubtedly begin.
8.) Most of the population will have begun liquer napping at around 1:00 p.m.
9.) 6:00 p.m. diner alarm rings animating the lifeless lumps of shwasted meat up and down the beach.
10.) Citizens will be given 2-3 hours (dependent on how they feel) to rehydrate and chase the hangover away.
11.) At around 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. the real party begins and Coconut Stands, Kings, Whammy Pong, Whammy Bongs, and Shotguns are a must.
12.) When the party ends everyone must find a person of the opposite sex for some drunken unprotected sex.
2.) Bathe in the Ocean at 9:15 a.m.
3.) Catch fish during bath for breakfast.
4.) Put on Loincloth.
5.) Around 10:00 a.m. most of the Alualuans should be at the beach on on their way to the beach.
6.) At 10:15 a.m. sharp, "Whamming It" should comence.
7.) 12:00 p.m. around this time once everyone is Jagerfaceded the Singing will undoubtedly begin.
8.) Most of the population will have begun liquer napping at around 1:00 p.m.
9.) 6:00 p.m. diner alarm rings animating the lifeless lumps of shwasted meat up and down the beach.
10.) Citizens will be given 2-3 hours (dependent on how they feel) to rehydrate and chase the hangover away.
11.) At around 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. the real party begins and Coconut Stands, Kings, Whammy Pong, Whammy Bongs, and Shotguns are a must.
12.) When the party ends everyone must find a person of the opposite sex for some drunken unprotected sex.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Rules
All disputes are to be settled in a game of dice: best two out of three wins.
No killing.
Bathing suits must be worn on sunny days to promote tan skin.
Newcomers are to remain in quarantine for three weeks in order to control disease.
Anyone infected with aids will be kicked out.
Flip-flops must be worn unless you are farming or doing something that you would need close toed shoes to protect your feet.
Women must deny that they poop or fart and when these bodily functions occur they must do it in secret.
Boys don’t cry in front of other men unless they are crying about the loss of a loved one.
Activist groups are illegal because they create conflict and are really annoying.
Saturday and Sunday are to be spent hanging out on the beach sipping on Fermented coconut milk, the drink will be called Whammy.
Electricity is illegal.
Cigarettes are illegal, because they are addictive.
Addiction is also illegal because it tears apart families.
Anyone who shows signs of being addicted to whammy will be branded. Any branded person seen drinking whammy will be put in time out and forced to do farm work.
Anything done to harm another person physically will result in a one night stand in the lion’s den. If you survive the night your crime will be forgiven, if not, well you know what will happen.
No killing.
Bathing suits must be worn on sunny days to promote tan skin.
Newcomers are to remain in quarantine for three weeks in order to control disease.
Anyone infected with aids will be kicked out.
Flip-flops must be worn unless you are farming or doing something that you would need close toed shoes to protect your feet.
Women must deny that they poop or fart and when these bodily functions occur they must do it in secret.
Boys don’t cry in front of other men unless they are crying about the loss of a loved one.
Activist groups are illegal because they create conflict and are really annoying.
Saturday and Sunday are to be spent hanging out on the beach sipping on Fermented coconut milk, the drink will be called Whammy.
Electricity is illegal.
Cigarettes are illegal, because they are addictive.
Addiction is also illegal because it tears apart families.
Anyone who shows signs of being addicted to whammy will be branded. Any branded person seen drinking whammy will be put in time out and forced to do farm work.
Anything done to harm another person physically will result in a one night stand in the lion’s den. If you survive the night your crime will be forgiven, if not, well you know what will happen.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Governing Body
There will be no real Governing Body on Alualua. The Power will rest on a single individual, who will be known as Cheif. The Chief will however have to take the suggestions of the group into consideration before coming to a conclution on any matter involving the entire tribe. His right to be in power and should the tribe dislike the way he rules he will be hung and a new Cheif will be chosen by the Members of the tribe.
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